July 5, 2020
part of these videos were uploaded for a short time on youtube / public, then moved to private, then after the regressive picking fights, after the night had been nice, and pick a fight again, and noticing the same gremlin trend, that is really meant to nullify me, I uploaded the current videos and posted them all as public.
Don has treated me better / not as a sex object to dominate according to his unfounded desires. Which feels good. That I can come and go, and don't have to explain my self to someone bewitchingly insecure and jealous, and does not have a happy life in there self and "needs" a co-dependent relationship so they do not have to concentrate on that.
Well, that worked for a couple of days. Then Don approached me today, that the problem with our relationship is sex, and that when we do not have it we / the relationship plummets. I didn't agree, and I said my head is not in that space. He knows I am working online, now that I am not doing the garden, and I have purchased a ticket to fly to Maine, and coordinated with Uhaul to pack my belongings (no easy task) and move here.
I got shit on my plate, things to form and conceptualize for smooth 'landing' with details, you know, with due dates : punctual times to arrive to manage my time, presence, and economy. I am not thinking about sex in general, and I am not thinking about sex in particular with Don.
uuuugh, the conversation turns me off. talking about The Sex, is not The Sex. ok ! Further, he treats it like a mechanical gesture, like if we 'do it' all will be better, and what was wrong is his treatment of me has never been addressed or fixed.
I have no warm feelings about his kind ness t. I am saying, saying treat me decent, that my value in and of myself does not depend on me having sex with you or not. Get to know me. Ask to do something, fun, that You would like to do, and maybe would like to do with me, too. See how that goes. Are their warm feelings by getting to be yourself around someone else ... I am sure something desireable can develop on a desirable f/act.
Don't try to contrive to arrange it. Communication is a potent form of action. I know what you intend by what you talk about with me. There is no place for a convo about sex when you have treated me radically deplorable. on purpose. consecutively, over and over again.
I am not interested in sex, with all the manipulations and contrivances, and no real touch, i don't think much about it with "you" and I don't care as much.
All I do is get made food I didn't ask for, and get scolded for not cleaning dishes and putting it away, and the garden project enlarges in scope by Don's own conversation with me, then I get scolded for weeding, b.c. Don has hastily over-packed the vehicle to go to glacier so he can hurry-up-and-fuck- with his "masculine testosterone support."
Don is hasty with me, often. Then he wants sex, and I am like, what for ? You don't know me, you don't like taking your time with me, you over-ride my conversation with you with yours, my thoughts hardly count in rectifying this relationship, my emotions have no input with you, and then you tell me what to do.
Umm, answer is NO. don't want sex with "you." the thought, the idea, the notion, the unnecessary conversation abhors me. taxing, fraudulent, "feel-for-me-" you haven't been real with me yet.
I can't quite explain it, I feel like I have been in a relationship with a placard contrivance. There is no backing, to be aware, and frontally square .
I don't get me from this relationship. I lose me. I try to do the right things, I waste time and energy on ye-we- and get blamed fraudulentl-ye- (a-) t- (0-) w/-(h-) 0- re- d- (g-) ew/e- (re-) d-
for meaningful sex, we shouldn't be having sex, if we are not compatible.
I like to sink my time into things rather than flitting about "topically."
i like to follow things thru, start to end, so I understand the g/g (u) e s/s (t) u re ve (in)n d : what surmises, what qualifies, what doesn't, and why.
I'm invested in growing and knowing my sell (f) t & prospering myself transparently ass well (h) d
I like to finish what I start.
ye-we- don't do this sh-i/t- b.c. you think you can't get away with it, ye-w/e- do this shit b.c. you think you Can get away with "i/t".
I have given plenty of chances to do the right thing with me, treat me with dignity. It would seem, as with Zach-Singleton, given free agency, that donkey chooses to be donkey with me.
cleaning up my laptop :
add-end- (h-) u/m-
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